No More Tears

Ok so yesterday was a bad day for me emotionally and I found myself crying alot throughout the day. Lastnight however was the climax of emotion as Im standing outside in the cold bawling like a baby on someones shoulder. That wasnt even the worst part. The worst of it all was the after effects it had on my body today. I awoke with the worst migraine I've had in a long time. Throughout the day it progressed to nausea then finally resulting in a seizure, all the while my head felt like I had spikes being driven into my brain. I've trained my body so much over the years to fight emotion that now my body fights me when I show it. This is the time that I normally would say to myself, as I did earlier, that I won't let my emotions get the best of me anymore and will continue to hide behind the wall I've worked so hard to build over the years. However, and one person in particular will be happy to hear this, I think maybe I should be more open to my emotions. Not necessarily because I want to but obviously there are going to be times when I cant fight them and they flood me anyway. I just don't want to deal with the physical consequences. I think that the physical toll my body endures is greater than the perception people will have of me after I exhibit emotion infront of them. There is another reason as well. I'm getting older and I'm tired. I have fought for so long to portray to people around me that I'm this strong, independent, non emotional, non caring person that can handle anything that is thrown at me. Don't get me wrong I am to an extent. But to hold up this image I don't let people see my emotions. Oh they definitely know if I'm mad, but if I'm upset to point of tears then I seclude myself so no one can see me crying. Crying is a weakness, according to my dad, and you never let anyone see your weaknesses because they could use them against you. My children can probably count on one hand how many times they've seen me cry. But I think that maybe it's time for change. I think my body would seriously thank me, along with my friend/psychologist/soulmate.