It's been a while but I'm finally back among the Internet community. The hiatus has been for a great reason though, I am in love. Not only am I in love but I am loved back equally. I knew when I met Dale I had met someone special, I just never expected for him to be the one to make me whole again. My kids love him as much as I do and he treats them like they're his own. We have been through the ringer these last 2 yrs but it definitely has been worth it. He's a little needy when it comes to compliments, and I have never been the type of person to just through them out, but what we have works and is better than what either of us ever expected to have. For once in my life I can truly say I am happy. I lost touch with a lot of friends but again I think it was worth it. I have been focusing on me and my family and mending myself. I know there are some who don't understand, or care to understand, why I had to remove myself. These are ones that have never been broken. To the ones who have been broken and still take offense, I'm sorry. I had to repair myself in my own way. Dale has helped more than he will ever know. He knew I was broken, although to what extent I don't know, but he still took on my baggage and has loved me more than anyone ever before and sometimes deserve. We have, and continue to make, a great life for ourselves. There will be tough times along the way, just as there is with any relationship, but we are strong and our love for each other is strong enough to withstand. If everyone in the world who is in love felt half of what I do for Dale, they are extremely lucky individuals.

The last couple weeks i've been doing a lot of research on this thing called Lupus and let me tell you...it doesn't sound like fun, can i change my mind to take this ride? Hmmm...guess not. So, now its time to put on my big girl panties and roll with it. only thing is im already in pain and even the thought of rolling sounds like im not gonna be a fan of that either. the worst part is now that im aware of what the problem is it seems like im in more pain now than before. wow...deja vu, sounds like a conversation i had with a dear friend not too long ago. if i could only have words of wisdom for myself to make things easier. i definitely wish there was a redo on life. although im not quite sure at what point i screwed mine up but having already seen the outcome this far im positive i'll notice the yellow brick road when i see it next time. maybe i could be lucky enough to have a flashing neon light that says " not that way stupid" directing me the right way. heck i don't even care if im still poor, just want to be less stressed and have to deal with less crap. oh well, wishful thinking i know but it keeps my brain exercised. in the end if none of my other organs and body parts work at least it will, although at this point im not convinced thats gonna be a good thing. welp, back to reality, back to life, back to the present time, back to the here and now yeah...sorry kinda got lost in a song, and a bad one at that. i didnt even like EnVogue. thats my cue to take a handful of advil and take a nap.

Where is my silver lining?

At some point from conception to birth either I or my parents pissed off the chromosomes and molecules that make up my body. In addition to being born with cancer and then having it three more times since then, chronic migraines for the past 20 yrs, even down to needing corrective lenses to see, I now have a new physical battle. For the last couple years I've had a couple minor ailments that were more irritating than anything else. Pain in my hands from time to time (which I thought was the onset of arthritis) and a really annoying case of Rosacea that has tested the effectiveness of many moisturizers. So the good news is I won't have hands that look like James Coburn's by the time I'm 40 and my entire face won't eventually look like Rudolph's nose, but the bad news is Lupus...yay me. So far it's only a mild case but the doctor said I probably only had about ten years before I'm totally medication dependent to keep my organs functioning correctly...yay me, again.
What I want to know is...why me? I have tried to stay optimistic over the years and say I've been lucky by having survived the cancer so many times and knowing my migraines are not as bad as what someone else may be going through, but really how much can one person take before they sit back and say "Can I have a break please? Have I not gone through enough? Have my kids, family and friends not gone through enough with me? When will it stop? WHY ME?"
There is a consolation prize, however. Due to my current health condition I am no longer able to lift more than 35 lbs. My job, which I hate, requires me to be able to lift at least 50 lbs to fulfill the duties of my position. Since I am no longer able to fulfill those requirements and they don't have a position in the store that doesn't have those same weight lifting requirements I am now unemployed...yay me, yet again.

Adjust your heart

When faced with situations I'm not accustomed to or don't particularly care for normally I think it out. Try to come up with a logical solution, or curse someone out but that never seems to work to my advantage. Sometimes thinking it out doesn't work so well either but tonight I heard something that made me see things in a different way. "Adjust your heart". If I really want something to work then instead of thinking it over and dissecting it in my head maybe I should adjust my heart to find a solution. Take for instance my aversion to killing animals for sport as my boyfriend does. I don't care for this in the slightest however I love him and want to be supportive of the things that bring him joy. So by adjusting my heart to embrace his happiness I can be more supportive. I by no means have changed my outlook on the whole idea of killing Bambi's family but I have come to accept that it's a part of him and his lifestyle. To someone like him it's no different than someone who picks flowers to make floral arrangements. It's taking something out of nature for our own gratification. By adjusting our hearts our minds follow suit and saves us a lot of time and frustration coming up with a logical solution.Granted I would much rather walk into a house filled with roses and daffodils on tables instead of turkeys and deer on the walls but hey, we don't always get what we want.

Insomnia no more

What to say, what to say...Well there are a lot of things I could say. "i got a job!" yay...um...yeah. "i hate my job" thats more like it. "im in love!" aawww. "men are jerks" yeah well, its true.
Another couple interesting months under my belt and im just as excited and mentally deranged as i was before. i have thought about my friend The Closet alot the last couple weeks but havent yet made the plunge to rekindle our relationship. However the relationship i have with my beau took me on a whirl wind ride for a bit. Thankfully he realized he was being a douchebag and has come to his senses. He's even grown to expect and love my smartass comments to him which makes things so much easier. In the course of all this, mainly hating my job, i have lost contact with a couple dear people to me. im either at work and dont have time to talk or honestly dont want to talk because i know i'll be Debbie Downer cuz i hate my job...did i say that already? geesh!
on the bright side i have been getting more sleep. i think my body has finally caught up with the mental strain of no rest and is giving in...quitter. before the concession, however, i used my sleepless nights to think about something my dear friend/counselor suggested as a reason for my insomnia. i have always had a slight problem with a regular sleep schedule but when rudy died something broke along with my heart. insomnia set in and tried to take permanent residence. whether it was out of depression, guilt, or the fear that someone else will be taken from me while i sleep i dont know. it couldve been the awareness of this or just plain body and mental fatigue that helped me to now sleep more than usual, either way it has worked. i still havent fully gotten over rudy's death and i know i never will. granted over the last year it has gotten easier to handle but i will never fully recover from the blow. he was such a huge part of my life there isnt a day goes by his name or a memory doesnt come up in general conversation or thought. because of this i truly feel that subconsciously i was dreading losing someone else while i was asleep. i realized a couple weeks ago i rarely get to sleep before 7:30 or 8am. i dont think its a coincidence my son gets up and leaves for school at that time. its like i couldnt go to sleep before seeing and hearing him, even though all night long i knew he was asleep in the room beside mine. my daughter is also getting ready for school at this time. i always have my phone in bed beside me and never realized til lately that i have it in my hand when i do finally fall asleep, like im waiting for a phone call.  i could be over analyzing, yes i know its hard to believe i would do that, but i really feel that by accepting the fact i couldnt have helped rudy or changed what happened even if i had been awake has given me a sort of calm to where im now able to sleep when needed.
i do wish it was all the time because as i write this i have yet to sleep and its almost 7am but hey, its a start. and did i mention i hate my job? so yeah...that doesnt help the progress.

Im Back!!

So I am finally back to where I need to be on many levels. The last few months have been interesting to say the least. A few ups and quite a few downs and even a few spins in there just to add excitement. I have had much to write about but for some reason just haven't felt compelled to do so. The down moments I've had I'd rather not dredge them up again so we'll leave them alone, but I stayed away from my long time friend The Closet so it's all good. The ups, even though there have only been a couple have been great and continue to be. I start my new job Sunday...YAY!!! And when the work day is done I have a great, loving man waiting to see me. Honestly this is bliss for me.
The job...well it's pizza so not much more needs to be said other than "show me the money!"
The man...where do I begin! He's awesome, not only to me but to my kids and that means the world to me. He treats me like a queen and looks at me like he's never seen anyone prettier. Is it love? Not yet but definitely on track to becoming so. He sends me texts saying he misses me and wishes I was there with him. Every morning he sends a text saying good morning along with some form of endearing name. And every night wishes me a good night and sends "kisses" over the phone. I know I sound like a girl right now and yes this is kinda mushy but until he started doing these things I didn't even know I would like them. As I told him the other day, I feel like a school girl and I didn't even feel like one when I was in school!
My kids are happy I'm with him and that's the most important thing about being in a relationship. I learned the hard way a few years back, if the kids don't like him Im never gonna be truly happy. And he's good with kids. Having raised his 12yr old daughter by himself for the last 9yrs he knows what it takes to make kids happy and what needs to be done, instead of a weekend dad who hopes his current girlfriend knows what she's doing so he isn't at a complete loss.
Oh I could go on and on but I won't cuz Im starting to get on my own nerves.
All in all the last few months have been good and they've been bad and I don't expect any different because that's life. Every bad turn of the wheel makes us stronger and every good turn makes us appreciate what we have even more.

Coincidence...I think not

Is it a coincidence i like abstract and psychedelic art? That i like dark, bold colors? Being that my life seems to always be in a state of chaos and my emotions border on being dark with only brief flashes of light i think not. Art, no matter the form, speaks to us on an inner level so therefore i feel that we're drawn to pieces whether its pictures, sculptures, music, whatever that mirror how we feel in our core. Dont get me wrong i appreciate all art forms and their artists, but flowers and birds just arent my thing. i'll take a space scene or a face with its nose on the top of its head anytime.