Insomnia no more

What to say, what to say...Well there are a lot of things I could say. "i got a job!" yay...um...yeah. "i hate my job" thats more like it. "im in love!" aawww. "men are jerks" yeah well, its true.
Another couple interesting months under my belt and im just as excited and mentally deranged as i was before. i have thought about my friend The Closet alot the last couple weeks but havent yet made the plunge to rekindle our relationship. However the relationship i have with my beau took me on a whirl wind ride for a bit. Thankfully he realized he was being a douchebag and has come to his senses. He's even grown to expect and love my smartass comments to him which makes things so much easier. In the course of all this, mainly hating my job, i have lost contact with a couple dear people to me. im either at work and dont have time to talk or honestly dont want to talk because i know i'll be Debbie Downer cuz i hate my job...did i say that already? geesh!
on the bright side i have been getting more sleep. i think my body has finally caught up with the mental strain of no rest and is giving in...quitter. before the concession, however, i used my sleepless nights to think about something my dear friend/counselor suggested as a reason for my insomnia. i have always had a slight problem with a regular sleep schedule but when rudy died something broke along with my heart. insomnia set in and tried to take permanent residence. whether it was out of depression, guilt, or the fear that someone else will be taken from me while i sleep i dont know. it couldve been the awareness of this or just plain body and mental fatigue that helped me to now sleep more than usual, either way it has worked. i still havent fully gotten over rudy's death and i know i never will. granted over the last year it has gotten easier to handle but i will never fully recover from the blow. he was such a huge part of my life there isnt a day goes by his name or a memory doesnt come up in general conversation or thought. because of this i truly feel that subconsciously i was dreading losing someone else while i was asleep. i realized a couple weeks ago i rarely get to sleep before 7:30 or 8am. i dont think its a coincidence my son gets up and leaves for school at that time. its like i couldnt go to sleep before seeing and hearing him, even though all night long i knew he was asleep in the room beside mine. my daughter is also getting ready for school at this time. i always have my phone in bed beside me and never realized til lately that i have it in my hand when i do finally fall asleep, like im waiting for a phone call.  i could be over analyzing, yes i know its hard to believe i would do that, but i really feel that by accepting the fact i couldnt have helped rudy or changed what happened even if i had been awake has given me a sort of calm to where im now able to sleep when needed.
i do wish it was all the time because as i write this i have yet to sleep and its almost 7am but hey, its a start. and did i mention i hate my job? so yeah...that doesnt help the progress.